Well, as of today I'm officially a working mom again. Yes, I have been working some, but now I'm officially back to my full time hours and on call time. Everyone keeps asking me "are you glad to be back?" I'm not sure how to answer that.
I love my job. I'm good at my job and it feels really good to be good at something. I also know that I was meant to do this job, and I've done it so long that it's become a big part of who I am.
But, none of that means I'm completely glad to be back. I know that my kid's lives are both easier and harder because of what I do. They experience a lot of privileges that aren't available to most kids. But, I'm also not there a lot. I know that bothers Ellie, and I'm sure that will bother Max, and it definitely bothers me. I want to be there, I really do. I want to bake with my kids, play in the park, walk for coffee for me and ice cream for them. I want to supervise their play dates and volunteer at their school. I want to be the one to pick them up from school and hear the good and the bad about their day. I want to work on projects and crafts. I want to take care of them when they're sick. When I'm working I can't always do those things. I try to do as much as I can, but the reality is that I can't do it a lot of the time. That stinks.
I love my kids, but I love my job. As my friend Joan said to another physician friend having her first child "welcome to the world of always feeling like you're letting somebody down."